Intern-al Affairs, OR: Bad Puns Take Over the World

Please forgive my lengthy absence, everyone. I've been getting settled in after moving back to Minneapolis. That means buying books, reuniting with friends and getting fed grapes by my more attractive half during Project Runway marathons.

Spring semester is upon us, which means that about a million kids my age are looking for summer jobs and internships. You've probably heard at least one bright-eyed young person going on about the stack of interviews they plan to arrange, clutching their resume like an 8.5 x 11 inch gold leaf. Some of us, though, are being dragged into the process by our own stupid expectations that someday our lives will mean something beyond school.

Getting one of these things is a little bit impossible. Within about four square miles of me are literal hundreds of qualified students and I'm sure at least a handful of them look better on paper than I do. It's enough to make one wish she'd toughed it out and gone to that 8a.m. class every day or at least kept in better touch with the professors whom she did choose to grace with her presence.

Oh, and if I haven't already complained to you about this, let me make it known that cover letters are awful things to write.

Dear Sir or Madam,
Allow me to tell you how great I am, since reading my barebones resume might be too ambitious a project for your HR department.

It would be so nice if we could just be honest with each other.

Hi [Name of newspaper or PR agency],
In order to survive in the urban jungle, I need a place to live. A job seemed like a reasonable first step.
<3

So please cross your fingers or, if you're the praying sort, pray for me in my quest for summer employment. Ooh, and send a letter to the Onion and tell them that I'd be a great contribution to the A.V. Club.